i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
