A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
