Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
