This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
