he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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