Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
