Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
