this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
