peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
