remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
3 2 1 whiskey
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
