In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
