yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
