i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
