drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
