I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
