so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
