Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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