I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
