When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
