i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
