Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
