come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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