Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
