Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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