Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
