when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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