yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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