just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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