you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
