I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
