A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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