normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
