Tell her she can't have a vagina
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize