You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
