Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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