The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize