I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
