My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
