Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
