he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Randomize
