Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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