Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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