i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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