saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
