apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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