Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
