so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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