I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
