my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
