There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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