You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
