I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
